The Sheik Tugboat Story - PART 14
PART 14
Howard Finkel
Decked out
Finest tuxedo
Hair groomed
American flag handkerchief
Right breast jacket pocket
Ready to bellow out
His finest baritone
“THIS
Is your main event
Of WrestleMania 7!
Scheduled for
ONE FALL
For the
WORLD
WRESTLING
FEDERATION
CHAMPIONSHIP!
And it will be contested under
DESERT
STORM
RULES!
There will be
NO COUNTOUTS
NO DISQUALIFICATIONS
AND NO PINFALLS!
There are only two ways to win
Ladies and gentlemen
Either by
SUBMISSION
OR
SURRENDER!”
The Fink
Takes a step back
“ATTEN-HUT!”
Followed by
A strong boat horn
Over the PA system
One by one
Out walks
The Fearsome Foursome
The sounds of
A single snare drum
Lead out
The General
The Colonel
The Sargent
And then
On a personalized ring cart
Similar to WrestleMania 6
Draped with an Iraqi flag
Stands the Iraqi Warship
Beige khakis
Black singlet top
Iraqi flag draped over shoulders
Headdress
Freshly pressed
Over the top of
The dark mullet
The Prisoner of War
The WWF championship
Held over his head
Defiantly
Proudly
Stoically
His face cold
Angry
But prideful
SHEIK TUGBOAT
Has come out
His WrestleMania moment
The Fink
Microphone to his mouth
Lips pursed
Prepares his baritone
For the formal introductions
“As per HIS REQUEST
Introducing first
Representing the Fearsome Foursome
And accompanied by members
General Adnan
Colonel Mustafa
And Sargent Slaughter
Now residing
In Baghdad, Iraq
Weighing 385 pounds
The WORLD
WRESTLING
FEDERATION
CHAMPION
SHEIKKKKKK
TUGBOAT!”
Throughout his entrance
Its entirety
The fans
Unruly
Unhinged
Indescribable
Jeering
Heckling
Booing
Cursing
Screaming
Throwing trash
Toilet paper
Beer
Soda
All at the moving cart
Hitting the champion
The Iraqi Warship
Doesn’t even budge
Unaffected
A true bastion of brutality
Still like a statue
NO EFFECT
50 yards later
The cart reaches the ring
The ropes unbuckled
The Sheik
Places his title
Over his shoulder
Walks down the steps
Onto the arena platform
One by one
Adnan
Mustafa
Slaughter
Tugboat
Up the ring steps
Single file
Onto the ring apron
Into the squared circle
The Fearsome Foursome
Face the hard cam
Horizontal single line
The General speaks
His marching orders
Ten seconds later
All four men
SALUTE
The fans boo
Hiss with anger
A fan jumps the rails
Attempts to run in the ring
Security stops him
Pulls him out
But the Sargent
Delivers
A stiff boot
To the spectator
No trespassers
The Fearsome Foursome
Have made the ring
Its own
PERSONAL
BATTLEGROUND
A slow rumble
A synthesize effect
Rumbles on the PA
“I AM A REAL AMERICAN
FIGHTS FOR THE RIGHTS OF EVERY MAN I AM A REAL AMERICAN FIGHTS FOR WHAT’S RIGHT
FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!”
The guitar riffs heavy
The crowd goes
BANANA
The champion hands over
His Prisoner of War
To the General
Hands his headdress
To the Sargent
But his tough psyche
Is handed off
To the Hulkster
An army tank
Decked out to the nines
Starts moving down the aisle
Standing tall on top
Is the Immortal one
The army camouflage fatigues
Match his camo vest
American flag bandana
Covers the dome
A scowl
Covers his face
American flag
Covers his neck
The tank stops halfway
The Hulkster climbs down
Now on the floor
He salutes the driver
Waltzes in front of the tank
Stands tall
Proud
Stoic
Points to the ring
The Iraqi Warship
Signals him to come down
He obliges
Runs down the rest of the way
Rolls under the bottom rope
The Fink scatters
Forget the other announcement
Protect his life
The Fearsome Foursome
Prep to pounce
Like a pack of wolves
On a prone soul
But then
WHOA!
The Hulkster
Dug into his pockets
POWDER!
Direct hit!
All four feel the effect
The Corporal
The General
The Sargent
All figuratively powder
To the floor
The champion
Drops to his knees
A BIG RIGHT HAND
Like a heat seeking missile
On the dome
By the Hulkster
DING
DING
DING
The bell sounds
DESERT STORM RULES
Under way
The war ignites
At WrestleMania 7!
The Hulkster
All over the Sheik
Like a fly on honey
Throwing haymaker
After haymaker
After haymaker
After haymaker
The Iraqi Warship is rocked
But doesn’t flat back
Refuses to fall
But the Hulkster
Is the Iceberg
Trying to break
The Tugboat Titanic
Hulkster bounces off the ropes
AXE BOMBER
Clothesline wraps around
The champ’s neck
But he will not fall
Hogan runs again
ANOTHER AXE BOMBER
The champ won’t bend
Hogan one more time
Sheik throws his own
DUCKS
Hulkster comes off the other side
A THIRD AXE BOMBER
THE WARSHIP GOES DOWN!
The Memorial Coliseum
ERUPTS
The Hulkster
Feeding of the energy
Rolls to the floor
All 3 of the army still down
He pushes the timekeeper away
Grabs a steel chair
Folds it up
Rolls back into the ring
He holds it high in the air
Signalling the next shot
The champ stands up
Stumbling like a drunk man
Turns towards the Hulkster
He takes off
WHAM
A steel chair to the head
Of the head of the Fearsome Foursome
The Tugger
On his back
Rolls over to his belly
On all fours
The Hulkster rears back
WHAM
A steel chair to the back
The champion collapses
WHAT’S THIS?
A smattering of red
Bordering on a puddle
Forms on the canvas
Sheik Tugboat
BUSTED WIDE OPEN!
The crimson mask
Makes a long awaited return
The Hulkster turns him over
Like cooking a roast
Drops to a knee
And starts peppering
The forehead wound
Five punches later
The fist
Covered in blood
The Hulkster
Takes his left index finger
Swipes right
On his right knuckles
And makes custom eye shadow
Under each eye
OH
MY
GOD
WAR PAINT
Custom made
By the Hulkster
Using Tugboat’s own blood! The war is on!
The Hulkster
Demanding
Signaling
Forcing
The Iraqi Warship
Staggering
Stumbling
Up to his feet
Bloodied
Turns around
The Hulkster
Another missile
AXE BOMBER
Bounces the champ
To the buckle
The champ
Comes out
BIG BOOT
He’s still on his feet!
Hulkster fires up
BIG BOOT AGAIN
The Tugger will not fall
Bloody and all
The challenger raises his fist
High in the air
The fans chanting along
ONE
TWO
THREE
A trifecta of punches to the cranium
Irish whip
A THIRD BIG BOOT
Down he goes
Hulkster looks to further weaken
Bounces himself off the ropes
WAIT!
Leg trip by the Sarge!
Hulkster falls face first
And now the Sarge
The Colonel
The General
All back on their feet
Like a pack of wolves
Pouncing on the prone Real American
Boots
Kicks
Stomps
The tide has turned
In this championship war
The bloody champion
Struggles
But definitely stands
As his army
Holds the weakened Hulkster
By the 24 inch pythons
And starts throwing haymakers
One after the other
His fist starts to hurt
But the pummeling commences
And the crowd furious
Angry
Unfurling catcalls and hatred
The Iraqi Warship
Signals to the General
Adnan digs into his pocket
WHAT’S THIS?
The military baton
The steel rod of destruction
The General hands it off
Sheik Tugboat stands tall
He looks at the Hulkster’s face
With that cold
Dead
Evil Stare
Bellows in his loud
Boisterous
Powerful voice
“TUGBOAT AKBAR!”
Arm up
Arm down
BATON TO THE HULKSTER’S DOME!
The army lets go
Blood starts soaking the canvas
The challenger is also
BUSTED WIDE OPEN!
The bloody defiant champion
Now signals for the end
Drops the baton
He points at the Sargent
Gives him the salute
Slaughter digs into his pocket
A LIGHTER?
TISSUE PAPER?
OH MY
GOD
They are not!
THEY ARE!
The Sheik looking for the end!
They are looking to
FIREBALL
The Hulkster’s face!
DESERT STORM RULES
Leading to the beginning
Of the end
The army again grabs
The Hulkster’s 24 inch pythons
Both arms extended
The Sheik smiling
A bloody evil maniacal smile
Face exposed
Unprotected
The Hulkster’s all but done for
Tugger goes to light
NOTHING
Tugger tries again
NOTHING
The lighter
Apparently malfunctioned
The champion furious
Starts screaming
Absolute anger
But the time lapse
Leads to surprise
THROUGH THE CROWD
OVER THE BARRICADE
It’s the Battle Kat!
The flying feline
Leaps in
Jumps on the General
Cat scratch fever
The Sarge and the Colonel
Let go of the Hulkster
Go after the Feline
The Iraqi Warship
Drops the lighter and paper
All four pounces on the Kat
BUT MORE CAVALRY ARRIVES
Running down the aisle way
HACKSAW!
NIKOLAI!
Duggan and Volkoff
Sprinting with 2x4s
Run into the ring
2x4 TO SARGE!
2x4 TO MUSTAFA!
Both men roll out to the floor
Duggan and Volkoff follow
The fans are going crazy
The General
Scratched up in his grill
Leaves the ring too
Trying to stop the onslaught
Five men
Standing by the entranceway
Brawling
THE BATTLE KAT
Looks around
Walks over to the ropes
QUICK LIKE A CAT
SPRINGBOARD
SOMERSAULT
ONTO EVERYONE!
MEOW!
The American sacrifice
To take out the Iraqi army
UNREAL!
100,000 fans
Los Angeles faithful
American patriots
ROAR in approval
We are at neutral strength!
The Sheik
In bloodied disbelief
Complete shock
Now turns into rage
The Hulkster starts to stir
But the Iraqi Warship
Doesn’t allow one extra breath
Goes back to the canvas
Military baton
Back in grasp
WHAM
Another shot to the dome
Hulkster back down
Flat on his back
Laid out
Sprawled on the mat
Bloodied up
The Iraqi Warship
Sees his chance
Off the ropes
Comes back
Big jump
Legs extended
THE BIG LEG DROP!
INSULT TO INJURY
Oh man
It’s academic
This match is all about over
And the Sheik…
What’s he doing?
THE AMERICAN FLAG
That was around the Hulkster’s neck
Alone
Unfurled in the corner
A diabolical smile
Creeps on the Tugger’s face
He walks over
Scoops it up
Holds it up high
Fans absolutely disgusted
Heckling and booing
The Sheik cups his ear
To the jeers
Sickening
He now drapes the flag
Over the prone body
Of the Hulkster
The symbol of America
About to be desecrated
One final time
The Sheik
Bounces off the ropes
About to come back off
BUT WAIT!
His leg gets grabbed
He trips up and stumbles
OH
MY GOD
It’s MEAN GENE OKERLUND!
Mean Gene’s back!
He hasn’t been seen
Since Survivor Series!
The place erupts
Mean Gene
Points his finger
At the bloody champion
The Iraqi Warship is shocked
Stunned
Absolutely flabbergasted
The champ turns his attention back
WHOOSH! FIRE! FIRE!
FLAMES ABOUND!
The Hulkster
He recovered the lighter
The tissue paper
He threw a fireball into the face
Of the champion!
The Sheik goes down!
His skin
Bloodied
Charred
His face decimated
Hulkster HULKING UP
Bounces off the ropes
LEG DROP!
AGAIN
LEG DROP!
ONE MORE TIME
LEG DROP!
The fans are unglued
The Hulkster
Face fired up
Figuratively
Looks at Sheik Tugboat
Face fired up
Literally
Sits him up
OH NO!
Hulkster takes his knuckle
And starts digging
Grinding
Into the prone flesh
Of the Sheik’s temple!
Inhumane torture
Repeatedly
To second degree burns
The pain excruciating
Tugboat screaming in pain
FINALLY
The words come out
“I QUIT!
I QUIT!
I SURRENDER!”
IT’S OVER!
IT’S OVER!
The bell sounds
We have a winner!
We have a new champion!
The war is over!
The Hulkster
Survives Desert Storm Rules
He is the winner!
Howard Finkel
Grabs the microphone
And bellows
To the crowd
“Here is your winner
As a result of surrender
AND
NEWWWWW
World Wrestling Federation champion
THE IMMORTAL
HULK
HO-GAN!”
The Sarge
The Colonel
The General
All saunter back up the aisle
The Iraqi Warship
Rolls alone
To the floor
By himself
As Mean Gene
Grabs the WWF title
From the timekeeper
Enters the ring
Hands it to the bloodied
Bruised
Beaten
Yet jovial Hulkster
Hacksaw
Nikolai
Roll into the ring
The Battle Kat
Leaps onto the apron
The fans
SINGING
To “Real American”
Duggan and Volkoff
Pick the Hulkster up
Onto their shoulders
The Hulkster
Raises the WWF title
Over his head
Mean Gene
Grabs the American flag
Raises it over his head
FIREWORKS
All around the Memorial Coliseum
An all-out American celebration
America WINS!
And all the while
Sheik Tugboat
Absolutely decimated
Destroyed
Abandoned
All alone
On the arena floor
TUGBOAT AKBAR!
Not now
Not anymore
The war is over
He lost
HULKAMANIA
AMERICA
Will live
FOREVER
-fin-
Jon Harder
Jon@HardwayHQ.com
